Discovering a new "me"

picking up the pieces

2007-10-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

As the past couple of months have come and quickly gone, I have faced many difficult challenges that have stretched me in ways I can't even begin to describe... My heart shattered by people I love, betrayed by people I have known forever, and abandoned by people I thought would always have my back. It's been weird picking up the pieces, wondering how people you love can hurt you so much... I am not here for a pity party, nor am I depressed, but it has been one of the harder things to get through, trying to figure out how it all came to this.

Much of my life, I have felt abandoned and alone... but never so much by so many people, especially the ones I trusted... As I have found a new church, a place that I can call my home (on which I am proud to say, I made the commitment to become a member of- which is interesting because I have grown up in church, but never been a member of a church!). There I have found I matter to God (which was always something that I have known, but never quite grasped), and I matter to people! As I walked through the past two months which have been nothing short of dark and dreary I have found people that have taken my hand and walked beside me. Praise God for such amazing people!

So lately, after a lot of thought... and after being hurt by a certain person for far too long, 'enough is enough'. I have come to a place, where it is finally ok for me to let go... I am no longer going to be the convenient friend that I have been for far too long... I wrote this poem, regarding my "friend" while we were in our senior year of high school together.

Would you cry a tear for me tomorrow,
when the sun no longer rises?
Would you think of me throughout your day,
remembering how i cared?
Would you look at pictures of you and me,
and take the time to reminisce?
Would you think of me everyday,
or let my memory slowly fade?
Would you wonder if you hurt me,
or would the thought ever cross your mind?
Would you recollect all that has passed,
including the not so glamorous times?
Would you hurt because of a devastating loss,
or did you really know me?
Would you want to know all my secrets,
or would satisfaction have already been found?
Would you need a replacement,
a person to fill my spot?
Would see me in your dreams,
or feel me in your heart?
Would you cry a tear for me tomorrow,
when i am no longer there?
-01/18/02

Not much has changed from 5 1/2 years ago; as I have seen my value to her shine through in my darkest tribulations. I discussed this situation with a friend of mine the other day, and it became clear, she uses me much as a male uses a whore. Bear with me here. When she needs me, I am there... from break ups with boyfriends, to fights with parents, or even when she is at work and there is no air conditioning (YAY for slurpees!), I have been there... but in my loneliest times, my most emotionally trying times, if I am not needed by her, she is nowhere to be found. A promised companion to walk together into court, yet I stood there alone, with not one phone call from her or anything ever, to see how it all went.

So, in this I must say, "I am sorry (i won't say her name to sell her out, I have more class than that), but I refuse to be your whore any longer! I have found REAL friends, TRUE friends who love me and have my back... I can't hold on any longer, trying to be friends with someone who doesn't care. You may live 12 houses away, but I will take my friends that would drive 12 hours to make sure I am ok". I do wish her all the best in all she does, but I am finally laying to rest what I have tried to salvage for years. I am picking up the pieces and burying the tears. So "goodbye to you, and all you put me through..." I hope when you need a friend, you haven't pushed them all away...

a new title for a new beginning

2007-10-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

So, it has been years since I have blogged up until recently... I started it as a way to vent, a way to express my pain to the world, but the funny thing is, it was never read by anyone! LOL! It was at a time in my life, where I felt so alone, so distant from the world and the people around, engulfed with deep hurts, hidden wounds, and brokenness that was never exposed to anyone. I had felt forgotten, by friends and family... I was drowning in my own bitter sorry, desperately seeking for so much more, yet never finding quite was I was looking for. I felt like the last genuine person on the planet, the person who would love people the best, but I myself felt unloved. As I sit here now, excited about starting to blog again, I feel the time has come for a new title, the forgotten love, seems to no longer fit... My place of sorrow has ceased, as I have found hope, I have found joy, and I have found peace! So, if anyone as any suggestions on a new title, I am all ears! :)

free to be me

2007-10-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

afraid to be me,
bottling up all my emotions inside,
i trained myself never to cry...
striving not to feel,
fleeing from myself,
placed in a cookie cutter,
a mold my shape for could never fill.
hiding who i was,
facing the world on my own,
i was alone...
imprisoned by unrealistic expectations,
through many tears,
lonely journeys and washed up dreams.
i discovered a place to call home!
where the masks come off,
and i find comfort in my own skin.
a place of genuineness,
maybe a beautiful disaster,
where it's easier to be me...
embraced and loved in all exposure,
i am finally free to be me! :)

This is to all my new friends, they know who they are, loving me where i am at, loving me in my messes and embracing me just as i am! I love you! Thank you for allowing me to be myself and loving me just as i am!

everything

2005-01-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

everything i need has been provided by Christ, for he is my everything. he is my comfort, my shelter, my power, my strength, my courage, my redeemer, my deliverer, my God, my father, my friend, my peace, my joy, my step when my feet won't carry me, my refuge, my lover, my king, my song, my alpha and omega, my maker, my hope, my voice that will reach the nations and take hold of their hearts, my faithful ear that is always turned to hear my cry, he is my all! Christ fills my heart, may he fill my whole being!

who am i to you?

2005-01-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

can you see me? can you hear me? am i important? do you adore me like a princess? sometimes i wonder if i truly have captured your heart... or have i just captured your eyes?

when you look into my eyes can you see my soul? or does all that matter to you? do you long to know what is inside me? what makes my heart beat? why i get up in the morning? or what helps me go to sleep?

can we love upclose? and be personal? when i lose my step will you be there to catch me? how far would you go to save me? to bring me back to you? is there a limit?

i excuse what hurts... pretend all is well... i love you with all i have... is it enough? can my love reach you? is it strong enough to move you?

art

2005-01-13T16:07:00.000-08:00

"Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message." -Malcolm Muggeridge

What if our vision is too blurred to get the message? I feel like an abstract picture dripping with paint, left by the artist because the piece is too far gone. I was meant to be something beautiful, but the colors I chose, and the colors chosen by the master didn't mix.

I'm like a disfigured sculpture that had a promising future, but was mishandled with wrong tools and complete strangers.

Remains of what was meant to be something great, sit, cold and alone, emersed in other items that lost their value and were thrown into a dumpster. No one will find me here, no one wants trash... I am finished.

power within

2004-08-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

So, i got smart, and got fed up with putting up with peoples drama. i have discovered people like to take advantage of nice people, and nice people need to watch themselves. Through this I decided that i was not going to allow people to make me feel poorly for the choices I made (or make)... I ended up having probably one of the best nights of my life, just worrying about me, and making sure I was happy. As for the next day, no one was mad or anything. Sometimes you just need to think about you, and do what you think is right for you, no matter what other people think. At the end of the day, your the one who has to deal with your decisions, and one wise choice is to NOT let people have power over your emotions!

my past

2004-08-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

How can you simply let go of the past and pursue the future, when your past seems to haunt you everyday? Not the wisest choices are left playing in your mind, like a broken record, holding you captive to your past. How do you deal with that? Where's the freedom in your mind? People say to let go of your past, and look to the future, but your past makes you who you are, how can you not look back? How can I move forward if I can't even find the strentgh to forgive myself? My past is my prison, damming me to my own hell on earth everyday...

naked

2004-08-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

Here am I, naked, can't you see? My clothes torn off, my flesh pulled back, only to expose, the unrhythmic beat of my lonesome heart. Can't you see this is all of me? There's nothing more to offer... It's just me, pouring my life into a glass that isn't for me. When will my cup be filled? When will my tears be wiped from my eyes? Will this day ever end? I feel like a sun scorched desert desperate for an overdue rain... Everything is all twisted inside... Nothing seems to make sense, yet my journey has not reached it's destination. What are all these thoughts that are so jumbled in my head? It feels like a train, destined to run off it's track. I can't seem to get it straight, but this is me, stripped down to my very core, naked before you!

all alone

2004-08-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

You ever feel so alone in life, like your heart is crying out, and the world should hear; It seems so loud, but not a soul pays attention? You're left simply frustrated and alone, captive of your own feelings. You can't even say no one understands, because no one is even around. What happened to all the people who promised they would always be there? Where's the unconditional love that was promised so long ago? A prisoner of my own thoughts, with no one to confide in. My heart screams in agony, longing to know will this season pass....

dating

2004-08-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

"Never date anyone you wouldn't marry". I've heard that all my life, but it wasn't until recently I truly began to understand why. It seems as much as I heard this people forgot the ending part of the quote, "...because you never know how hard you will fall for someone". Everyone at some point thinks they can control their feelings, but there becomes a point to which, control is lost and the heart takes over.

Another thing about dating, that can simply boggle the mind, and if anyone has the answer to this illogical way of thinking, it would be greatly appreciated: Guys (most, not all, but the fair majority) want to date girls who put out, because they are more fun or something. But they want to marry the good girls that haven't gotten around and slept with every guy on the block. Where's the rationality in that? They want a girl to wait for them if they plan on marrying her, but any girl prior to that needs to fulfill that guys needs?

Someone help me to understand! Please! I am not trying to "hate" on guys, but just trying to understand what makes them think this is ok. I am sure some girls think the same way, but it seems to be a more common mentality among men.

food for thought

2004-08-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

If good is the enemy of the best, and anyone who is logical wants the best, how do you not accept the good? In other words, how do you let it go? Letting go, is probably one of the hardest decisions an individual ever has to make in their life. Pain that is caused in the release of an object can seem unbearable at times, and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's no wonder people choose to surpress their pain, by becoming passive and not taking that step of faith.... but not taking that step of faith could lead to the fall of one, who once stood tall. Everything always seems so much easier said than done, when will the tables turn and things will be easier done than said?

confusion and questions

2004-08-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

So much seems unaswered, things are just so unclear. I feel like my vision has been blurred, like a person who needs their glasses, but someone snatched them away. I do not understand how people that are important can simply be forgotten! If forgetting is so simple, then why does it hurt, and why can't we let go?

It is true that 'love is blind, and it can feel right when it is wrong', but what must one do, when discovering they gave their heart to the wrong person? How do you tell someone who has given you their heart, it's over? Where's the simplicity in that? Feelings of a broken heart, confusion on whether the right choice was made... but it must be right if it isn't easy.

Frustrated and alone, with nothing but feelings to deal with on your own. How do you get through it when you're forgotten by the world around you? A vision that once seem so clear and concise, skwed and blurred, that no distinction can be made. Hope for a future that seems non-existent, but a promise made by the unseen.

about me!

2004-08-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

1) do you shower in the morning or at night?depends, but mostly in the morning, but if i go running at night....
2) what is your favorite salad dressing?since working at olive garden i have grown to love italian, but i still love ranch too, ranch goes good w/anything!
3) do you prefer a car or truck?for me, a car, i want a BMW (LOL), but for a guy, i like big trucks :)
4) paper or plastic?plastic b/c it has handles :)
5) hamburger or hotdog?if you're at a baseball game hotdog, otherwise hamburger!
6) credit or debit?debit
7) do you have any body piercings/tattoos?do i? is that a joke? i have a few piercings (LOL), i think 12, but i dunno, i dont wear them all anymore! my unsual ones would be my tongue, nose and belly button, the rest are in my ears... no tattoo yet, still debating about that one
8) have you ever colored your hair?YES! bright blond, red, almost an orangy color, brown, maroon....
9) have you ever tepeed a house?yea, i almost got my car hit w/a golf club by an angry neighbor too! :( but those are some great memories...
10) n64 or sony playstation?i dunno, i dont really play video games
11)Who do you feel responsible for in your life?definitely myself
12)What are you beliefs about abortion?i believe it is wrong, i read a story while in Japan about a lady who was raped when she was 11 and she had the baby, tell me that aint crazy, but you know God musta blessed her....
13)How important do you believe organized religion is in a couples relationship?not so sure, i believe a relationship w/Jesus should be the foundation, but yeah...
14)If you were going to write a book, what would it be about?my life, showing how God has worked through me and how he has changed me, and cool stuff like that.... when i was younger, i was determined to write a book about myself, spilling out all my secrets, then i was gonna move to africa after i wrote b/c ppl might hate the things they read!
15)What is the most unselfish thing that you think you have ever done?not sure, maybe feeding food to the homeless on thanksgiving?
16)What would you want people to say about you after you had passed away?that i was passionate in everything i did, that i did nothing half-hearted, that i was a very giving person who devoted her life to furthering God's kingdom and that i will NEVER be forgotten!
17)What is important in a marriage to you?communication is huge, trust, friendship, unconditional love, the same foundation
18)Do you think that taking a pen or scratch pad home from work is stealing?yes, i am not saying i have never done it, but that doesn't make it right... if its not yours and you take, its simple, its stealing
19)If you are a man, what is the one thing that you think it would be important for a woman to know about men or vice versaâ€¦that having emotions isn't a bad thing, being more sensitive to a woman could probably help the relationship.
20)What are you most ashamed of and why?ummm.....decisions i have made in the past, b/c they were very poor and not God directed...
21)What do you think makes successful people successful?it aint money! thats for sure.... i think getting things done that need to get done, and having priorties right, thats what makes someone successful, like a single parent who could work 2 jobs to give her child lots, but only works one, b/c she wants to raise her child, and see her child grow up, to me, that beautiful, thats successful!
22)What is the first memory you have?me going to pool parties when i was little and taking my clothes off! :)
23)What would change in your life if you had total responsibility for your life and could never blame anyone else for anything? i dunno.... i feel like i already try not to blame people, so i am not too sure about that

the beginning

2004-08-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

This is where it all starts, and it's a beautiful thing... just like the birth of a baby, a wonderful start to something that is beyond comprehension, and past our control. A new creation, that is so peaceful and sound, yet through time all can be modified and molded into something it was never designed to be....

A perfect example would be man's existence; God designed man to have fellowship with him, to walk with him, to love him, to worship him, and to experience an abundant life. In those beginning times of creation, it was beautiful, a thing that brought true pleasure (which I hope my writing will do the same to you). Through time, and the selfishness of man, man began to depart from God and no longer looked to God. He continued to push God farther away, and became so engulfed in his filthy sin that he no longer felt it was possible to even go before God. Man carried his pain alone, and suffered immensely for his choices, and today that is where man is at....

I hope my writings do not become these things that seem unhappy, but I want to be real, a genuine person, constantly striving to better who I am. Granted I am only human and I make mistakes, but I am willing to share that with anyone who will listen.