picking up the pieces

As the past couple of months have come and quickly gone, I have faced many difficult challenges that have stretched me in ways I can't even begin to describe... My heart shattered by people I love, betrayed by people I have known forever, and abandoned by people I thought would always have my back. It's been weird picking up the pieces, wondering how people you love can hurt you so much... I am not here for a pity party, nor am I depressed, but it has been one of the harder things to get through, trying to figure out how it all came to this.

Much of my life, I have felt abandoned and alone... but never so much by so many people, especially the ones I trusted... As I have found a new church, a place that I can call my home (on which I am proud to say, I made the commitment to become a member of- which is interesting because I have grown up in church, but never been a member of a church!). There I have found I matter to God (which was always something that I have known, but never quite grasped), and I matter to people! As I walked through the past two months which have been nothing short of dark and dreary I have found people that have taken my hand and walked beside me. Praise God for such amazing people!

So lately, after a lot of thought... and after being hurt by a certain person for far too long, 'enough is enough'. I have come to a place, where it is finally ok for me to let go... I am no longer going to be the convenient friend that I have been for far too long... I wrote this poem, regarding my "friend" while we were in our senior year of high school together.

Would you cry a tear for me tomorrow,
when the sun no longer rises?
Would you think of me throughout your day,
remembering how i cared?
Would you look at pictures of you and me,
and take the time to reminisce?
Would you think of me everyday,
or let my memory slowly fade?
Would you wonder if you hurt me,
or would the thought ever cross your mind?
Would you recollect all that has passed,
including the not so glamorous times?
Would you hurt because of a devastating loss,
or did you really know me?
Would you want to know all my secrets,
or would satisfaction have already been found?
Would you need a replacement,
a person to fill my spot?
Would see me in your dreams,
or feel me in your heart?
Would you cry a tear for me tomorrow,
when i am no longer there?
-01/18/02

Not much has changed from 5 1/2 years ago; as I have seen my value to her shine through in my darkest tribulations. I discussed this situation with a friend of mine the other day, and it became clear, she uses me much as a male uses a whore. Bear with me here. When she needs me, I am there... from break ups with boyfriends, to fights with parents, or even when she is at work and there is no air conditioning (YAY for slurpees!), I have been there... but in my loneliest times, my most emotionally trying times, if I am not needed by her, she is nowhere to be found. A promised companion to walk together into court, yet I stood there alone, with not one phone call from her or anything ever, to see how it all went.

So, in this I must say, "I am sorry (i won't say her name to sell her out, I have more class than that), but I refuse to be your whore any longer! I have found REAL friends, TRUE friends who love me and have my back... I can't hold on any longer, trying to be friends with someone who doesn't care. You may live 12 houses away, but I will take my friends that would drive 12 hours to make sure I am ok". I do wish her all the best in all she does, but I am finally laying to rest what I have tried to salvage for years. I am picking up the pieces and burying the tears. So "goodbye to you, and all you put me through..." I hope when you need a friend, you haven't pushed them all away...

a new title for a new beginning

So, it has been years since I have blogged up until recently... I started it as a way to vent, a way to express my pain to the world, but the funny thing is, it was never read by anyone! LOL! It was at a time in my life, where I felt so alone, so distant from the world and the people around, engulfed with deep hurts, hidden wounds, and brokenness that was never exposed to anyone. I had felt forgotten, by friends and family... I was drowning in my own bitter sorry, desperately seeking for so much more, yet never finding quite was I was looking for. I felt like the last genuine person on the planet, the person who would love people the best, but I myself felt unloved. As I sit here now, excited about starting to blog again, I feel the time has come for a new title, the forgotten love, seems to no longer fit... My place of sorrow has ceased, as I have found hope, I have found joy, and I have found peace! So, if anyone as any suggestions on a new title, I am all ears! :)

free to be me

afraid to be me,
bottling up all my emotions inside,
i trained myself never to cry...
striving not to feel,
fleeing from myself,
placed in a cookie cutter,
a mold my shape for could never fill.
hiding who i was,
facing the world on my own,
i was alone...
imprisoned by unrealistic expectations,
through many tears,
lonely journeys and washed up dreams.
i discovered a place to call home!
where the masks come off,
and i find comfort in my own skin.
a place of genuineness,
maybe a beautiful disaster,
where it's easier to be me...
embraced and loved in all exposure,
i am finally free to be me! :)

This is to all my new friends, they know who they are, loving me where i am at, loving me in my messes and embracing me just as i am! I love you! Thank you for allowing me to be myself and loving me just as i am!

everything

everything i need has been provided by Christ, for he is my everything. he is my comfort, my shelter, my power, my strength, my courage, my redeemer, my deliverer, my God, my father, my friend, my peace, my joy, my step when my feet won't carry me, my refuge, my lover, my king, my song, my alpha and omega, my maker, my hope, my voice that will reach the nations and take hold of their hearts, my faithful ear that is always turned to hear my cry, he is my all! Christ fills my heart, may he fill my whole being!

who am i to you?

can you see me? can you hear me? am i important? do you adore me like a princess? sometimes i wonder if i truly have captured your heart... or have i just captured your eyes?

when you look into my eyes can you see my soul? or does all that matter to you? do you long to know what is inside me? what makes my heart beat? why i get up in the morning? or what helps me go to sleep?

can we love upclose? and be personal? when i lose my step will you be there to catch me? how far would you go to save me? to bring me back to you? is there a limit?

i excuse what hurts... pretend all is well... i love you with all i have... is it enough? can my love reach you? is it strong enough to move you?

art

"Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message." -Malcolm Muggeridge

What if our vision is too blurred to get the message? I feel like an abstract picture dripping with paint, left by the artist because the piece is too far gone. I was meant to be something beautiful, but the colors I chose, and the colors chosen by the master didn't mix.

I'm like a disfigured sculpture that had a promising future, but was mishandled with wrong tools and complete strangers.

Remains of what was meant to be something great, sit, cold and alone, emersed in other items that lost their value and were thrown into a dumpster. No one will find me here, no one wants trash... I am finished.

power within

So, i got smart, and got fed up with putting up with peoples drama. i have discovered people like to take advantage of nice people, and nice people need to watch themselves. Through this I decided that i was not going to allow people to make me feel poorly for the choices I made (or make)... I ended up having probably one of the best nights of my life, just worrying about me, and making sure I was happy. As for the next day, no one was mad or anything. Sometimes you just need to think about you, and do what you think is right for you, no matter what other people think. At the end of the day, your the one who has to deal with your decisions, and one wise choice is to NOT let people have power over your emotions!